(If you are a missionary or overseas worker, and you want professional help, check out this. I am going to keep linking to her until you do. That is all)
Therapy work over skype is a big deal. Therapists who do this have to be very aware of the legal ramifications of what they are doing. They are working in less than ideal conditions. They may not really know the culture in which you live, they can’t see your whole body language. They can’t necessary make sure you get your medications… it takes both the counselee and the counselor being forthright and clear with each other. She made it very clear what she was an wasn’t offering me. I had issues with internet many times, and we had to have a protocol for that!
We worked together for about 8 months, originally. We did a lot of sifting through my childhood and my beliefs that came out of that. We addressed feeling and beliefs I had that were mostly connected with my dad in my heart and mind. For me, the biggest relief was, for the first time, having someone to talk to who didn’t have a huge emotionally investment in my life turning out a certain way. For the first time, I could ask ANY QUESTION I had. I could voice my doubts and fears without edit, because they were not going to be used against me.
Eventually, we got to a good stopping point. I was seeing parts of my heart heal, and starting to give voice to things I was thinking in real life, outside the safety of our therapy session. My husband and I had some traveling to do, our ministry was taking off, we had enough money, I was feeling better, so I signed off for a while.
Then all hell broke loose in our ministry. And I found out I was pregnant, which jeopardized the pending adoption of my foster son. And when hell broke loose in our ministry, it also broke loose in our marriage. I was scared and didn’t know what to do. And so I got back into the routine of weekly therapy on skype with Lynn.
I would get up at 5 or 6 am, make coffee, and disappear into our basement office with my computer. I was usually done by the time my kids started waking up, which worked, but was not ideal, because I usually felt like I needed a couple of hours to RECOVER from counseling!!
We really dove in deep, this time. I felt like all the stuff I had done the year before was weeding, just getting the field of my heart ready for the tilling.
It was hard, hard work, you guys.
These are some of the questions I was wrestling with:
Was I worth loving if I wasn’t a missionary?
Could I be a good mom?
Did anything I want matter to anyone?
Could I hear from God?
Why was I a missionary in the first place?
Is my heart ACTUALLY deceitful?
Will anyone love me if I can’t do anything anymore?
Why are so many missionaries assholes?
Why are so many Christians assholes?
How do I “submit” to my husband when I actually believe he is doing something wrong?
How do I love my husband when I don’t believe he loves me?
Am I rebellious?
Why do we preach politics from the pulpit?
Can I trust me?
Can anyone trust me?
Am I BAD?
Am I dirty?
What blew me away about professional counseling was that I was being helped to MAKE UP MY OWN MIND.
My whole life, I had been told WHAT to believe, and threatened with hell/rejection/judgment if I didn’t comply. It was the most exciting thing in the world to learn that I didn’t have to have the answers to everything, that God didn’t mind my questions, that wherever I was in my journey, the Divine was THERE WITH ME!
I wanted to scream from the mountain tops!
TODAY I AM MORE FREE THAN I WAS YESTERDAY!
I AM LOVED!!!
There are just so many things I could say in response to this, but for now I’ll just leave this. ❤️ You are not alone. Your questions are indeed not threatening to our great big and mighty God. I feel you. Why don’t we know each other better. We should. Again ❤️
Not much to say but, I can really, profoundly relate to all of this. Beautifully, powerfully expressed.
Jamye