2-5-17
Rain is all around my refuge, this dark morning. For many months, I have spent a night or two every week here, while my children’s father comes into the family home for his parenting time. In the beginning, I would text my friend to start the AC before I got here. I would wake up early, and drink my coffee and do my studies on the back patio, while I watched the deer.
The seasons have changed, and now I text a few hours ahead, and ask her to get the heater going. For some weeks, this refuge was coated in ice and snow. The bed is soft, I am alone, and I have reluctantly settled into this routine.
I haven’t felt safe in a very, very long time. As I turn the corner of this driveway, 9 times out of 10, tears are still streaming down my face. The 30 minute drive to here is usually a time of wailing. I don’t turn the music on, and that gives me the chance to face all the thoughts that can’t get faced when I am surrounded by my own small people, in the home that feels mine, yet not mine.
The kids that live here go about their life around me, share their joys. I witness tears and all the things that come with a house full of children and living. The friends who made this place safe make me food. Make me coffee. Popcorn. Share a family movie night. Share a time of scripture reading, or a moment of honest prayer. Sit and listen while I tell a story, or distract me from whatever with something much more interesting.
I watch the way they parent, I work on my sales while dishes are washed, and we listen to audio books. I feel their joys and sorrows ebb and flow. It is a privilege to be welcomed into the life of other’s like this.
I have been studying the gospel of John since September. There is this guy in there, of whom John speaks. He says thing like, “walk with me” “come and see” “sit with me” “eat with me” “feed my sheep”. This guy is always making a beeline for the oppressed, the shamed, the hopeless, the accused, the humbled.
Basically, he’s making a beeline for me.
This is love.
And this is the love I feel here.
.
Oh Hallie. I love, love, love this.
Love Jesus most, the rest He carries for you. You have a lovely heart and way with words.
xoxo
I don’t believe I have ever….. I am just so humbled by how much your reach and how hard you work on inner things. I hope I say nothing that offends you, but I see a daughter who really trusts her Heavenly father. You seem to chase after Him instead of running away. I marvel at that. How I wish I were there right now… I used to be. At least some parts of my heart were. Not all of my heart runs away. Only certain parts…. Trust is such an issue for me. Though I do love Him. I…. well, it’s complicated. I am so compelled to love Him. I think He makes it that way. I love Him. I really do! He keeps me close and at least now, I am just holding onto His hand…. I wish I could do more right now, but I feel the wind has been knocked out of me…. I don’t mean to make this about me at all. I hope I don’t come across as a selfish commenting person on your blogs. Your blogs are just so rich. Bringing out quite a lot of deep emotions for me. So powerful. I have a lot to pray about. More layers I suppose. More layers. More “Daddy Trust Issues” I guess. YUK!
I thought I was done with this! Lol Ahhh “LAYERS”!
Thank you so much for these blogs.