Dear Me

ORIGINALLY POSTED 9/6/2012

Dear Me,

You are 16. Everything seems like a really big deal.

I am twice your age now. And this is what I want to say.

Don’t grow up. Just refuse. Don’t do it.

You are going to double your age, and end up 32.

You will find yourself living in a country of very short people,

who call you fat every day of your life.

It is cold, dirty, and insanely polluted here.

You will miss your family every day of your life.

Shopping at Target will become as big a dream as going to Disneyland once was.

Everything in your home will be such crap quality that it is almost always broken.

You will drive everywhere on a scooter,

and it will make your current lack of transportation not look so bad…

NAH, just kidding!

Here is the real letter I am writing to myself.

Dear 16 year old me.

You, Hallie, of the strong, strong will. With the strong body and mind. With the deep and thoughtful heart. You, who knows your Maker in such a deep way, you will one day be 32, and marvel, and know how rare and beautiful what you have is.

What you are doing now, who you are being now, are all the things that add up to making me able to do what I do now. So for the most part, I don’t want this letter to be about changing you life… except for one thing. I want to tell you this.

No one is telling you NO.

Even now, I don’t understand what exactly “they” were saying,

but I do know it wasn’t NO, exactly.

Don’t listen to them. You want to go to college? GO.

You want to get a job? Get it.

Scared? Embarrassed to ask other for help? Don’t be. ASK them. You know who.

You are smart enough. You can work hard enough.

You won’t mess up. You won’t go into debt for it.

You will regret it for the rest of your life if you don’t defy that perceived “NO” and GO DO IT.

Ok. So now we got that out of the way.

I think of you, and I want to cry, and scream, and laugh!

You are being told this, right now, and it is true. You are being uniquely prepared, and you, to whom much is being given, will find that much shall be required.

From where I stand now, I see a million ways that your unusual upbringing is shaping you,

and moving you forward to the days when you will walk in His steps, on the other side of the world.

I want to cry, because I know how sad and lost you feel. Someday, you will hold your 2 year old daughter on your lap, right next to your hours-old second daughter, and you will know, all along, there WAS enough love. I/we won’t really believe it until that moment,

but Mama and Papa do want you, and they do love you as much as each baby that

shows up every few years.

I want to scream, because it IS too much. Too much on your shoulders. Nobody is trying to hurt you. I don’t think they realize how much you hate the responsibility that you handle so well on the outside. Bow your heart, strong, oldest Child. Bow your heart, and trust that He will use these years to build in you character that will change your corner of the world. And be looking, your Father is going to put people in your life to be Him with skin on, and they will be there in exactly the right moments.

I want to laugh, because you LAUGH! Oh, how you laugh. It keeps you sane, and fills your heart when it is empty. It ties you to your mama with undeniable blasts of joy, and breaths life and hope into everyone around you. One thing I want to tell you now, because it will hurt when you finally learn this in about 10 years: Tame the laughing. The introverted, the truly sad, sometimes you hurt their feelings. Sometimes you intimidate them. You want your smile and laugh to encourage them, let them know you are listening. But they don’t get it. So learn to tame it down. Practice being calmer, and listening harder.

Don’t be afraid of the silences, wait on them.

Those convictions you have? The ones you keep doubting are really yours?

They ARE. Stop worrying that you just inherited them from your parents.

You are NOT going to “mess up”. You are not 1 step away from skanky, loose, or immoral.

Your heart is pure and beautiful to the lover of your soul,

and I wish you would stop wasting time worrying about it.

Your girl friends, and your friend-boys are amazing.

The girls will always be there for you. Even when you are 32, they will be kind to you, pray for you. They are going to remember you, and love you, even when you are gone from the USA for years at a time. These girls are the best and all the time and energy you are spending on them is NOT wasted. The one your parents won’t let you hang out with right now? She is going to end up being a life-line to you, when you find yourself in dark places, and you two will laugh and laugh about this time.

Your friend-boys are beautiful, kind, and chivalrous. You worry that you are doing something “wrong” by loving them, but you aren’t.  Not many girls are given friend-boys who treat them with the love and respect yours do. Be thankful for them. Ask God how to love them rightly. You will NOT “mess up” physically with any boy, ever. . So stop being so scared of messing up! Live life, and be brave!

And finally,

Your 16 year old self looks weird to you. Silly. You aren’t weird looking at all. You are beautiful. Really. On the inside and out.

 Your body is strong, capable, and will accomplish many wonderful things.

You will be proud of all that it has done, one day.

So start thanking for the marvelous creation that is you NOW.

You are going to change the world. One life at a time. You are going to see dreams you thought lost be restored. And you are not going to mess up.

With so much love and hope for you,

Your older and more tired self

PS

As I write these things to you, tears come, and I think of your daughters, I realize I am also kind of writing this to them. Do you mind if I let them read your letter in 10 years?

Miss Z is 6 now. And she is a lot like you. I think she needs to know some of these things, too.