13 Things I Learned

Today is my 15^th wedding anniversary. Crystal.

Today is also  my first wedding anniversary as a divorced woman.

We don’t say much, on these days, those of us with the “failed” marriages, who dwell in “broken” homes.

We are kind of outliers… those of use who were married longer than average, but aren’t any more. We lurk in the shadows… conversations about husbands… futures… sort of trail off when we walk up. It’s weird, to have your identity be linked to another person, so intimately, so entirely, and then be, well, just, you.

 

I learned a lot in my marriage.

It was one of the most amazing, passionate, heartbreaking, hopeful, growing things I have ever done in my life.

 

I left my husband.

I filed for divorce 3 months after our 13^th wedding anniversary.

That was the bravest thing I have ever done in my life.

My divorce was finalized a few months before my 15^th anniversary.

 

Timelines are important to me.

They help me make sense of the years I spent with him. Sometimes, I write them out, as I search for answers, as I try to figure out which pieces fit, look for the signs I missed.

Sometimes, I want to share marriage advice with young grasshoppers, but I feel like I can’t, because my marriage is over.

 

I don’t actually believe my marriage failed.

I don’t believe I live inside a broken family.

And I think, on the subject of marriage, I have something to offer.

So. Today. I give you…

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one for every year I was married

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1. Words don’t matter much. I BELIEVE what my partner is telling me with his actions.
2. My love is NOT going to heal my partner’s wounds. My love can only be a part of the healing they choose.
3. No partner will ever know me like I know myself.
4. No partner gets to define who I am. They get to be a part of my life, my story, and that is a gift to us both.
5. I never want a partner to be with me because he HAS to, I want him to be with me because HE CHOOSES me.
6. Adultery can be forgiven
7. I can say NO. No means NO, even in marriage.
8. Saying I DO was not blanket consent covering all things until the day I died.
9. Forgiveness is a process, and its ok to come back to the reason we need forgiveness in the first place.
10. I am worth fighting for.
11. My children are worth fighting for.
12. I am capable of more love than I ever dreamed possible.
13. I am lucky, blessed, honored, to have had those 13 years.

And a bonus for the year I was separated but still married:

14. Marriage doesn’t define us, we define our marriage.

 

All the pain, all the love, all the hope, all the joy, all the freedom, all the gifts that came?

I think they were worth it.