Here I sit. Alone, surrounded by people. I am deeply aware of your judgment.
I have been inspected, and I have been warned. I have been explained to, I have stood trial, and yet, I have persisted.
The price to pay for freedom, hope, and life was worth it, I decided. But sitting here, feeling your righteous distain…
It is a wedding. A celebration of the joyous union of bodies, of life, of family. A union of heart and purpose and future. I alone taint the air. My yet-to-be-finalized divorce a stench that can hardly be tolerated. Surely, other sins exist in this room, but none so unseemly as mine. Of this I am certain.
Here I sit, a failure. 12 years of marriage under my belt, babies made, children grown and loved. Continents visited, oceans crossed, footsteps left that changed the world for better. I sense that they want me to be ashamed. They want me to be sorry. They want me to get on my knees and beg them to let me back in, swear they are right, and submit my life to their will.
I hold the hand of my child, nubbins where most grow fingers, because this one came into the world this way. A second child burrows between my legs, and yells up at me “I CAN SEE YOUR BUTT!!!”
the giggles remind me of true things
I loved. I wept and I sang. I danced and I fell to the floor, unable to move. And then I loved some more. I offered all I had, and when that was gone, I offered more. I opened every door, I prayed every prayer. And I loved some more.
That was not failure, I say to myself. That was love. That was marriage. You did it. Be strong.
Here I sit, breathing the same air as them. My heart beats, and my body yearns, just like theirs. I wonder, “ will she be happy?” and “will he care for her?” I am sure they do, too.
Our hearts beat in our chest, and our fingers curl around our purses, our coats. We wonder if dinner will be good, will the kids melt down, will there will be wine.
Flesh and blood, we are. Children of the Divine. And yet… it has been decided I am less-than.
I do not accept this.
“*%#$ that noise” my heart screams.
Tears in my cheeks, in my ears, choking my throat and my lungs. Because I KNOW.
I know that if He broke the laws of the HOLIEST MEN to heal the eyes of a blind man,
He would break the laws of the HOLIEST OF TODAY to heal this heart of mine.
(I am referencing John 9, in case you were wondering 🙂
Yes. So be it. 💕
To God, i believe he deems the person higher than any institution……
I agree. Always.
I have lived these 19 years as a shunned daughter and sister. Though it pained me so deeply and rearranged my very world, I have found it to be the preservation of my very soul and one of the greatest blessings of my life. Strange how such painful things can bring such beauty and strength. Absolutely amazing really… I know that it’s different for everyone and for some, shunning does not last forever. Still, I love freedom so much that I must admit that I am quite content to live this way forever. If it still hurts, I can’t feel it anymore. I have been allowed to run into the heart of My TRUE Father. Somewhere I must know that He loves me. I think He handles my hidden feelings with such tender care. He must! Perhaps they are feelings I can not recognize… Or that He so lovingly will not reveal to me, yet is healing them in His subtle and mysterious ways… I just can’t feel the hurt anymore…. Not from the shunning at least. The alone thing, yes, that hurts sometimes. But the freedom is the high plain that I live on. I feel quite content to live this way forever…
Thank you so much for sharing Hallie. Warms me so much and I think in my own way, I concur.